Balls Fly at My Nose: Tennis Movies and the Sport that Inspires Them

Oh man, there are so many jokes to be made about hitting balls! So maybe I don't know from tennis. Chris Onstad knows more about tennis than I do. Devin knows more about tennis than I do, but I have one advantage over him right now: I have now seen the movie Wimbledon.

My roommate came out the other day when I was watching the rerun of the Wimbledon finals on ESPN Instant Classic and told me I should watch the movie Wimbledon. Something inside me-- and my present state of unemployment-- told me that she was right.

Wimbledon.
Dude: Some attractive blonde guy who attempts character development.
Blonde bombshell: Kirsten Dunst.
Favorite line: "In tennis, love means nothing."
Basically, they play tennis and fall in love and it's not very good, as can be expected. There are a lot of weird, unnecessary visual effects to enhance the fact that you are not actually watching tennis, and also Sam Neill (god I wish there were a T. Rex in this movie!) plays Kirsten Dunst's daddy and there's a plot with that. I mean, not much else to say. Why did they finance this movie? It could have used a few more jokes, but I guess Kirsten Dunst isn't ever funny, really.

Much like Center Stage appealed to us non-dance enthusiasts, perhaps Wimbledon turned people like my roommate on to tennis. Of course, right before she suggested this movie, she asked me if I was watching golf. Maybe not.

Another tennis movie: Match Point.
Dude: Jonathan Rhys Meyers, who never attempts character development.
Blonde bombshell: Scarlett Johansson.
Favorite line: "Has anyone ever told you you play a very agressive game?"
This movie pretends that it is about tennis, but really it's about attractive people having sex. Wimbledon could have used more actual shirt-ripping or sexy talk, which would make me like it more. Still, I always preface any talk of Match Point with, "It's really not a very good movie. I don't know why I like it. I think I like it because the first time I saw it Devin and I were really drunk. I dunno, it's pretty great though." Maybe more tennis would have made this movie better? Scarlett Johansson doesn't even play in this one; she's just really attractive (she plays in In Good Company, which maybe is more about tennis than Match Point but doesn't have anything about tennis in the movie's title). The decided lack of tennis on Scarlett Johansson's part may have detracted from the movie's overall glamour, as everyone looks cute in tennis clothes.

Most days, I'm not entirely sure why Woody Allen made Match Point, but part of me is glad he did. It elaborates rather unnecessarily the reasons why writers, artists, filmmakers, and the like cling onto tennis more than most other sports: its high-class airs, the fierce one-on-one competition, the grace and artistry of the players' bodies, and the sexy people.

Wimbledon.
Dude: Roger Federer! and some other guys.
Blonde bombshell: Maria Sharapova, I guess.
Favorite line: Holy shit! Why don't I marry a tennis pro?
Oh man. I love watching tennis. I really only watched the men's championship, but you can be damn sure I'm watching the US Open this year. It's exciting and graceful and makes me feel classy. I'm drinking champagne and watching the US Open. When I'm good and drunk, I'll probably put on Match Point when the finals are over and fall asleep. Please God I want to meet a tennis pro. Lord, they are sexy. Where can I do that? I don't care if Federer's going to win everything for the next eight years, I'll take one of the others. Even if I don't wind up marrying a tennis pro, maybe I can have an affair with one in middle age.

Tennis: nothing sexier. That is the conclusion.